In This Issue:

• Monthly Devotional: Breaking the Chains of Bitterness

• Fidelity Focus: He Said He Was Cured (He Wasn't)

• Ask Ashes Redeemed: "Is God Punishing Me (Through My Husband's Infidelity)?"

• Upcoming February Events & Next Bible Study Sneak Peek!

Bitterness

Bouquets of Roses Instead of Ashes

by Elise Park

"To care for the needs of all who mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, Messages of joy instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit."

-Isaiah 61:3

I asked people on Facebook to share what they think the opposite of “bitterness” is. I loved how differently everyone answered.

Some people said joy, others said acceptance, some said gratitude, or sweetness.

It didn’t really seem like there was a clear counterpart to the emotion of bitterness, and I wonder if that’s because not everyone experiences it quite the same way. We may feel bitter because we’re lacking some other better feeling emotion to take its place, or we might feel bitter because the intensity of an offense overpowers anything else.

In this month’s devotional with Jennifer, you’ll read about where the roots of bitterness begin…and their origin may surprise you!

Breaking the Chains of Bitterness

Monthly Devotional & Journal Prompt | By Jennifer Kwiatkowski, CPC, ELI-MP, CWDS

The marriage covenant is a precious concept, and the fact that we have the opportunity to reflect God’s love for the church within our marriages is both an honor and a weighty responsibility. Loving like Christ can be extremely hard to do in the day-to-day chaos of busy schedules, financial stresses, health challenges, and family responsibilities because, let's face it: marriage isn't always a walk in the park, even on peaceful days. We experience joys, sure, but there are challenges, too. Sometimes, it feels like we're walking on a rocky path. And those rocks? They can hurt.

When we don't process our pain, bitterness can sneak in when we aren’t paying attention. It's like a tiny, inconspicuous root that grows and grows in the soil of our hearts until our countenance seems to change and our attitude sours. Gradually, we start seeing everything through a negative lens. Sadly, not only does bitterness slowly poison our hearts, but it can also impact those around us. Pretty soon, we will not be too fun to be around when bitterness takes root.

Recognizing Bitterness

Bitterness doesn't start with hate. It actually begins with hurt. Maybe your husband said something that cut deep, or the “little things” began piling up. This pain festered, and the seed of bitterness planted itself. Even though this seed was planted in the past, the present repetitive thoughts about how you were wronged or how you are frustrated with his current choices feed and water that growing root. The bitter weed continues to grow stronger and more robust with the poison that kills relationships. It can even suffocate our relationship with Christ.

God wants to help us learn from our pain. Nora Jones reminds us, “Rejection is a gift that either makes you better if you are open to it, or bitter if you aren’t. In the hands of God, rejection is just redirection for the better.” It’s not easy, but when we let God (instead of our feelings) direct our path through hurtful circumstances, we can heal and grow stronger.

Forgiveness might feel impossible right now. We know that some of you are dealing with a heavy blow. But, the reality is that forgiveness is less about forgetting what happened, because that can be impossible for some. Instead, it is more about freeing yourself to move ahead beyond the crippling pain and anger. It’s letting go of the hold that hurt has over you.

Every day, you can choose not to let bitterness control you. You can prevent yourself from being filled with toxic poison that taints your life and those around you. The decision to forgive means opening your heart to God’s healing. It’s His job, and He does it well! Healing is not instant, but slowly, you'll feel more peace and joy and realize that God is doing a work in you that you are not able to do yourself. Finally, the bitterness is then replaced with faith, the ultimate exchange of grace.

Journal Prompt

Reflect on a moment in your marriage when you felt hurt or misunderstood. How did you respond to this feeling? Did you notice any roots spouting from bitter seeds that may have been planted in your heart over the matter? Share your thoughts and experiences in our private community, The ARC (The Ashes Redeemed Community)

Let's support each other.
Jennifer

He Said He Was Cured (He Wasn't)

Fidelity Focus | by Elise Park, PCC, CWDS, ELI-MP

The Fidelity Focus article is our take on articles, books, podcasts, and other widely available resources that a woman may encounter as she equips herself in protecting her marriage, her faith and her family.

“When my husband was in seminary, I was proud of him for getting help for his pornography addiction; he said he was cured. We are pastoring our third church, and his assistant found pornography on the church computer. She told the elders, and now everybody in church knows.”

- J.C.

While hiding may feel like the only possible response, please consider that this is exactly where the enemy wants to keep you – alone, in the shadows, and riddled with shame and embarrassment.

Genesis 3:8 says Adam and Eve “...heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of God among the trees of the garden."

I think it's interesting that they weren't expelled from the garden instantaneously. But as we know, sin causes a chain reaction and they were in this together.

Between the moment they sinned, and the moment of consequence, we get to see Adam and Eve suspended in one of the most nebulous human experiences I think we can face: pre-shock.

The way they saw themselves, each other, and the Lord was all different now.

“How bad is it?” they likely wondered, riddled with insecurity and uncertainty.

To the woman who’s just discovered her husband’s secret pornography use, the moments between your discovery of his secret, and your next conversation with him feels like an eternity.

Suddenly, you see him differently. You see yourself differently. You may even see God differently.

And because–just like Adam and Eve–you’re in this together, you’re also wondering: 

• “Is there more?”

• “Can we fix this?” 

• “What happens now?”

Adam and Eve weren’t to return to the same garden. Things didn’t go back to how they were.

But God had a plan all along to redeem what was broken; to once again walk with His people; to walk with you in your hurt, and with your husband in his redemption story.

Where in your circumstances do you hear the sound of the Lord walking right now?
Do you want to run to Him? Or hide from Him?

We invite you to come, and share as much or as little of your story as you wish in one of our two monthly Faith & Fellowship Calls inside The ARC (The Ashes Redeemed Community). This is our safe space to be with other women, supporting one another no matter what stage of marriage and/or healing she’s in.  

Join here. 

In Love,

Elise 

Ask Ashes Redeemed

Ask Ashes Redeemed is our reader's opportunity. to have their anonymously submitted questions answered by our panel of experts.

Submit your question here.

“Is God punishing me (through my husband's infidelity)?”

The message of Scripture is that every ounce of the guilt, shame, and punishment for our sin was completely and once and for all carried by Christ to the cross. This means there is no more condemnation for those in Christ Jesus (see Romans 8:1-4). So our suffering is not punitive, meaning, it is not a direct punishment for sins we have committed. 

It is discouraging to go through hard and maybe even life-altering circumstances. But, to go through hard and maybe even life-altering circumstances thinking you are going through those things because you’ve fallen short of God’s standard is both discouraging and oppressive 

It’s hard to run to God for help, to rest in his care, to be assured of his love, and to believe that his mercies are constantly available and new every day when you’re convinced you’re being punished by Him. And it’s hard to reach out for God’s grace when you think he’s giving you what you deserve. The Bible never interprets our suffering this way; in fact, it teaches the opposite. Rather than suffering being connected to the bad things we have done, Scripture connects trials and difficulty to the good things God wants for us and the fruit they are able produce in our lives. (See James 1:2-4).

One example of how bad theology can make your suffering worse, flows out of a poor understanding of Romans 8:28, which says, “We know that for those who love God all things work together for the good of those who are called according to purpose.” Sadly, this verse has been interpreted by many to promise that everything you go through will turn out alright in the end. This interpretation leads people to harbor unrealistic expectations of a happy ending regarding present suffering, and in so doing, causes them to think that God has failed to deliver what He has promised when suffering continues or leaves them with lives that are forever altered. 

Bitterness with God comes from wrongly understood expectations. 

Consider an unforeseen storm.

Others went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters. They saw the works of the LORD, his wonderful deeds in the deep. For he spoke and stirred up a tempest that lifted high the waves. They mounted up to the heavens and went down to the depths; in their peril their courage melted away. They reeled and staggered like drunken men; they were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress. He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed. They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men. Let them exalt him in the assembly of the people and praise him in the council of the elders.

-Psalm 107:23-32 (NIV)

Friends, I (Jennifer) was reading a devotional the other morning and realized that this verse paraphrases so much of what I remember feeling like during the eye of my life’s storms. Can you relate?  

I believe these verses spoke to me so much because the storm the merchants were encountering was not so much of their own accord, but rather a situation that they found themselves in (which is in contrast to finding ourselves in turmoil due to the consequences of our own sin). I remember thinking, “Why has this happened TO me?”I was reminded that God was the one who was in control of the storm that surrounded me. (So many times I think it is my choices, words, or faith that controls these types of storms, rather than our God who allows them. Boy, what an arrogant merchant I am!) According to the Psalmist, it was God's response to the cries of the merchants’ hearts that caused Him to change their plight. (Wow, they were blessed!)  

Reading this, I had to ask myself about the times that I have cried out in a similar fashion as the merchants, and the storm has continued to rage. 

• What if the merchants had not experienced a reprieve? Would they have continued to sail, seeking after the One that stirred the tempest? 

• Do I, when in the midst of a continual storm, figure God didn't hear me and give up? 

• Do I get ticked off with God for not taking my advice and stopping the storm?  

• Do I decide I don't want to learn the lesson that He is trying to teach me? 

• Do I decide that I would rather stay the "less mature Christian" who does not earn a degree in suffering, forgoing the opportunity to share God's comfort with others when they are going through storms?

Sister, God sees your little boat on the waves. He has His tender eye on you. Pastor Paul David Tripp acknowledges that it’s hard to reach out for God’s grace when you think He’s giving you what you deserve. 

He knows you are looking for Him. He knows that these waves seem bigger than you can sail.  He also reminds each of us that He created the ocean, storms, and all.  And ultimately, He is in control of the storm for our own good.

I need to be reminded sometimes that if I want to seek the Lord, I will be entering an environment where storms come. If I am truly a "slave of Christ", I am saying that:

• I am willing to head into a storm to further His Kingdom.

• I am willing to endure an unexpected storm if it grows me into what He wants me to be.

• I am willing to persevere in a storm (unexpected or not) in order to model to others what Christ is like. 

...And, I am full of praise if or when He decides to release me from the storm.

When I am not willing to do all of those things, I have to ask myself, have I really understood what it means to become a Christ follower, and am I now willing to submit my life again after I understand this reality?

Notice at the end of these verses in Psalms, God guides these storm-soaked, exhausted travelers to their desired haven. Praise God there truly is a happy ending to all the suffering when we reach Heaven’s shores…in fact, it will be more happy than we can even imagine! Until then, I will challenge myself (and maybe you too) when I am going through suffering to rephrase my question of “Why is this happening TO me?” to “How is this happening FOR me?” 

Upcoming Events

Faith & Fellowship Calls

In the hustle and bustle of life, finding a moment to pause and connect with others can feel like a rare gift. We invite you to carve out an hour for yourself to join our bi-monthly Faith & Fellowship Calls—these sessions are a lifeline for women seeking community, encouragement, and prayer.

These friendly, casual gatherings bring together women at different stages of healing and self-discovery. Whether you're grappling with betrayal or just seeking a safe space to share your story, you're welcome here. Each call is a chance to find solace and strength among those who understand.

We believe in the power of community and how much a supportive environment can mean when navigating difficult times. Our calls with the Ashes Redeemed Community offer a place to build connections and share wisdom with your fellow sisters on this journey.

We'd be delighted to have you join us. To participate simply RSVP inside of our private community and you’ll be able to add the event and call link to your digital calendar.

Not a member yet? No worries! Women are invited to join our private (free) community to participate.

• Tuesday, February 4 @ 6PM CT

• Thursday, February 21 @ 10AM CT

New Bible Study Coming Soon!

Treasures Through Trials:
Discovering Unexpected Blessings Amidst Betrayal Recovery

Find Hope and Healing with Our 4-Week Bible Study

Are you feeling lost after your husband's betrayal? Understanding your pain is crucial to your faith, healing, and future.

Our upcoming Bible study, "Treasures Through Trials: Uncovering Unexpected Blessings Amidst Betrayal Recovery," is designed specifically to help the woman who finds herself preoccupied with the pain of her circumstances.

Instead of settling for distractions, ruminating on the betrayal, and worrying about the "what if's", women who participate in this study will learn how to find the buried treasure on her journey toward healing and restoration.

Why Choose This Study?

• 4-Week Bible Study
  Short and interactive, it's easy to fit into your life.

• Join from Anywhere
  Log in from any place via Zoom.

• Private Supportive Community
  Engage with others in a safe space, away from social media.

• Weekly Prayer Time
  Share and receive prayers, fostering a comforting environment.

• Connect With Others
  Fellowship with women at various healing stages.

Are you ready to take a step toward healing?

Join our waitlist for dates and more info on how this journey can help you blossom. Dates are coming soon, with sessions made up of Zoom calls plus a welcome meeting. Being part of our private community is free, with a reduced workbook price for live participants.

Embrace this chance. Sign up today and open your heart to recovery and renewal.

Get On the Waitlist Now