Anger.

Just the word alone brings about strong emotions in some people. Is it just me, or does the word even sound angry?!

While anger might seem like a primal form of expression, it is more complex than many people realize. In fact, anger can actually be a constructive tool. I’m sure this perspective may sound contradictory to some people who have grown up in a home where the expression of anger was far from tolerated. But let’s examine the concept of anger briefly, to see if I can challenge that perception.

Have you ever tried to stuff toothpaste back into a tube once it has oozed out? 

The reality is that we feel hurt when life painfully squeezes us, (with the same force with which we grip the toothpaste tube). When this happens, we are not going to be happy about it. And what is welling up inside of us (because of the squeeze) will eventually come out, one way or another. This “oozing” overflow can be a problem for a woman who has been taught, either by words or example, that the expression of anger is ungodly. She may feel the need to shove the anger away or hide it from others if a circumstance she encounters causes her to become uncomfortably irritated.

Trying to shove toothpaste back into the crinkled, shriveled tube is similar to how it feels to stuff that anger back down inside, especially when it is justified. The aftermath of the funneling, squeezing, and cajoling still leaves a mess of crusty anger smeared all over the outside of the place from which it came. And here is the thing: ALL anger seems justified until the thought that it is attached to is examined for truth. 

Now, if the thought that caused the reaction of anger is examined for truth and found to be justified, the outrage from the offense has every right to be oozed from a passionate heart. One example of a justifiable anger-provoking circumstance is the case of intimate betrayal within a marriage covenant. 

Naturally, anger is one of the first emotions to emerge when one is betrayed, at least until the numbing feeling of shock has begun to subside. In the case of intimate relationships, a woman’s anger is righteous (Godly and justified) because her husband has broken a vow to stay faithful and true to her. This reaction is not a selfish anger; rather, this is an anger that says, 

“I want you to be faithful to me. I want you to keep your promises. I want us to work through challenges together rather than using coping mechanisms alone.” 

I often tell women I work with at Ashes Redeemed that if she isn’t angry, we may have another problem to work through! When we love hard, we feel hard. There cannot be immense happiness without the risk of tremendous sadness or anger. The potential of one helps to define the equally opposite existence of another. 

Many modern-day therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, and coaches rate types of anger on a spectrum of up to 12 different varieties. However, most expressions of anger can condensed into three categories: reactive, passive, and constructive. In the case of intimate betrayal, a woman may experience all three variations. 

A betrayed woman’s anger is reactive when she discovers her marriage partner is not who he seems to be. It can be expressed loudly and explosively or quietly as an inner scream of her soul. As she starts to process the reality of what she doesn’t want to accept, she may slip into a passive type of anger. One that hovers in undercurrent beneath the surface of her mental awareness. If she is not intentional about working through this anger, this subconscious burn can easily turn to bitterness that can last a lifetime. However, with awareness and attention to the thoughts that fuel the anger, a betrayed wife can morph the anger into a constructive force. 

A betrayed woman is rightfully mad, and these constructive angry feelings, because of her husband’s choices, can actually be used for good. Suppose the wife’s husband is repentant and wants to partner with her to do the work to restore the union. In this case, her intense righteous anger can help to propel and fuel the ability to instill much-needed boundaries within a marriage to protect the covenant relationship. Eventually, after healing through trauma recovery, a journey that a therapist or coach often assists, a woman can finally release all three types of anger to make way for those emotions and actions that will nurture and grow a new relationship. 

If you are a woman who has recently discovered that your husband is using pornography or is engaged in, or has engaged in an extramarital affair, we want you to know that you are not alone. Many emotions, including numbness, are normal and understandable. Our community, resources, coaching, and classes are designed to help women like you navigate through a very difficult season in your life so that you can move forward toward a new horizon that God has waiting for you when you are ready to reach for it. 

Apply to join the Ashes Redeemed Community here for more support, including Bible studies, weekly devotionals, live Faith & Fellowship calls, workshops and more...

With Love and Understanding,
Jennifer