Here you are, standing (just barely) with your heart shattered. Did you want this? 

No. 

Did you have a choice in the wanting? 

No. 

Does it matter what you do with your broken heart from here? 

Yes.

Welcome to day one of your new life. Let’s talk about it…..

Step #1: Accept that you don’t have to make any decisions right now.

Your mind is swirling. You feel physically dizzy. It is called cognitive dissonance. The American Psychological Association defines this as:

Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort that results from holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. People tend to seek consistency in their attitudes and perceptions, so this conflict causes unpleasant feelings of unease or discomfort.

On the one hand, you understand your husband to be the man he was before you discovered the lies. On the other, he is this new human before you that you feel like you hardly know. These conflicting realities can make you feel as if you are going crazy. The physical sensations of dizziness, nausea, and fatigue are very common and legitimately debilitating. 

To make it even more challenging, your mind is crafting 1,001 questions and screaming them all at once. 

• How did you not know?

• Who are these women?

• How did this happen?

• Is this your fault?

• How will you go on?

• What does this mean for us?

It is the “imperfect storm” of shock, trauma, and confusion. 

This is the very reason that Elise and I remind women who have just experienced an intimate betrayal revelation that they are in no position to attempt to make some of the most difficult decisions of their lives. Most questions that are screaming in your head are going to require unpacking, comparing to your current way of thinking, and unraveling while lining each decision up to the Word of God. All of this wrestling will require wise counsel, as betrayal trauma is something that will require much support from those who understand and care.

Therefore, each time a thought comes to mind that demands an answer, breathe. Tell yourself you do not need to decide this today. It is completely fine to remain in the state of not knowing and letting the question sit until the waves of grief are at a slower cadence. You don’t even need to know when that will be. If you DO need to know due to a family or financial situation, set a date of when you will need to come to terms with some decisions and be prepared to have support available. Then breathe.

Matter #2: Take the Word of the Lord daily. It is your heart medicine.

Hebrews 4:12 says:

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

It is critical, at this time, to take Christ at His word...literally. The scriptures, read by you and over you (even if read by a recording), is your medicine right now. The pain of grief and trauma is very real. Your heart is in need of a divine surgeon, and your anguish will cry for relief until He brings comfort. 

You don’t have to understand how and why it works, and you don’t even have to “feel” it working. However, the active healing power of God’s word to you will begin to heal your heart and put it on track toward its long journey towards wholeness, one mended shard at a time. This is a supernatural principle that's power supersedes your need for understanding. Do you understand how penicillin works in your body to heal the infection? Most likely not. Does it take a while before you feel the effects? Most likely, yes. The same is true for the healing Word of God. This spiritual concept of rewiring your heart works like this:

The Word literally rewires your thoughts through the supernatural-infused God-centered wisdom….which in turn, will re-route your feelings...which will eventually lead to God-directed actions.

You might not feel like being anywhere near the Word of God…that’s okay…read and listen to it anyway if your desire is to heal from this trauma. There is time to be angry, and processing anger is part of the healing journey. Trust me, the Lord will help you through this as well. Remember, sin and its effects on His children makes Him angry too! 

Here are some suggested readings you may want to consider starting with when it comes to taking your spiritual medicine:

• Isaiah 54

• Hebrews 11

• Romans 5

• Psalm 34, 42, 43

• Matthew 11

Step #3: Give yourself mercy and space.

If someone you loved came to you broken and bruised after walking away from a tragic accident, how would you treat them? Most likely, you would wrap them up in a blanket, have them lay down to rest, keep things quiet and limit much interaction (unless, of course, they welcome company). 

You have been broken from the inside out, and your injuries are as real as physical traumatic wounding. You cannot expect your brain and physical body to react like it is healthy and whole right now. You need comfort and care….and time. Processing intimate betrayal in your marriage is a very large undertaking, and you need to allow yourself space to do so in the healthiest way possible. This may mean asking a friend or family member to care for your children, taking extended time off of work if at all possible, and canceling plans that were scheduled. 

Healing is now THE most important priority. It isn’t fair, and it isn’t what you planned for, but you are here, and you can’t erase what has happened. For the sake of your wellbeing and for the sake of those for whom you care, you must heal on the timeline that God allows. This means, taking some time to process, quietly, maybe loudly, but without pressure from yourself to move forward at this very moment. 

The pain won’t go away by ignoring reality. I wish it did, but it doesn’t. Facing it (sometimes one piece at a time) is an arduous task that takes intentional focus with intentional time to process.

This, my sister, means healing may take, in the least, months, or, more realistically, years.

That is hard to hear, we know. 

There are stages to climbing the ladder toward healing, and you are going to go through them all in order to have the scar tissue bind appropriately without eventual setbacks. 

It is going to take tears, toughness, and time … A lot of it. 

But you are going to do it in the strength of being unmeasurably loved by Christ. 

We are here to support you.

With Love and Understanding,
Jennifer