“We are pressured in every way but not crushed; we are perplexed but not in despair. We are persecuted but not destroyed.”

- 2 Corinthians 4:8,9

What are your current pressures? Who or what are you feeling perplexed or persecuted by?

I don’t know about you, but there are certainly stretches of time that–despite the assurance I have of my eternal salvation–I still have felt crushed, in despair, and even destroyed in this earthly realm.  

Pondering Paul’s contrasts in the passage above, I’m reminded of a very common topic that comes up eventually with just about every client I work with. Often, the women we help are somewhere on the timeline of healing from an experience of intimate betrayal in the form of hidden pornography use, or an extramarital affair. 

Understandably, these women yearn to know:

•  Why did he do this?

• What are my options now?  

While these questions are valid in their own right, when we dig a little deeper, and ask the questions behind the questions, we find the understandable desire for reassurance. 

We’re all unique human beings and different in our own way, and yet part of the human experience is to wrestle with the concept of ENOUGH. 

When we want to know WHY, often what we’re really asking is:

• Wasn't I enough?

• Is it bad enough to warrant divorce? 

• Does he love me enough to change? 

• Do I love him enough to stay?

 
In fact, our whole life can revolve around balancing our emotional, psychological, and physical “check books” to ensure that we have ENOUGH:

• Enough money to cover our expenses

• Enough energy to execute our tasks

• Enough time to meet our deadlines

• Enough desire to maintain our relationships

But what do we do when the deficit column is too big?
When:

• The demands are too many?

• The conflict is too much?

• The expectations are too great?

• The stress is too much?

• There isn’t  enough trust?

• There isn’t enough commitment?

• There isn’t enough communication?

 When we believe that there couldn’t possibly be ENOUGH of any of the things we need, it feels like we’re running out of oxygen. 

Maybe you’ve heard this described as a “scarcity mindset.” 

In other words, 

What I need isn’t available to me now, and it won’t be in the future, either. 

No wonder we struggle to pull ourselves up and out of this pit! 

One of my favorite verses is:

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

-Psalm 34:18

I’ve paused, prayed, and asked God to help me experience His nearness many times in my life and marriage. One practical way He’s helped me do this is to slow my spinning, just long enough to ask myself, What if?

What if there were enough…

• Time

• Energy

• Love

• Balance

• Harmony

• Grace

• Forgiveness

• Space

 If I were to not immediately assume a posture of lack…

•  How might my circumstances change, if at all? 

• How might my perspective shift? 

• What about ME would be different? 

 When we pause and ask ourselves these questions, we give ourselves the gift of awareness, which gives us an opportunity to respond out of intention, instead of knee-jerk reactions.

For example, my husband and I travel very differently–I enjoy the structure of an itinerary, an outline of what’s ahead, and to know where we’re staying for the night. He, on the other hand, finds schedules and reservations to be an unenjoyable constraint. Our trips involve the two of us, our 4 children, 2 large (and poorly behaved) dogs, and a pet rabbit or two.

So when we’re on one of these family trips, adventuring on, daylight fading, with no particular destination in sight, I can forecast a 100% chance of conflict. In my mind, we’re running out of time (daylight), and I’m running out of energy. 

Applying these questions to a scenario like this might look something like:

Ask myself: If there were enough time, how might my circumstances change, if at all?

Answer: If there were enough time, I’d feel confident that we would find a place to land for the night, get ourselves situated, so I could relax. It’s getting late, but it’s not the end of the world. 

***

Ask myself: If there were enough energy, what would I do differently right now?  

Answer: If I wasn’t so tired, I could help us work as a team to problem solve, enjoy the adventure we’re on, and remember to have fun. Can I rally long enough to see this through without panicking? Yes. I think I can. 

With the advantage of more awareness, I’m able to see myself experiencing something difficult, give myself grace and understanding, and consciously choose my response. The Holy Spirit is faithful to remind me that I am not altogether powerless, because just like the song says: 

You are my Strength when I am weak.
You are the Treasure that I seek.

When I fall down You lift me up.
When I am dry You fill my cup.

Paul preaches this good news in 2 Corinthians 12:9

 “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness’.”

When you feel like your situation is too big for you to handle, remember that as a child of God, you have divine access to supernatural help. You are indeed not alone. 

Now, we can absolutely remain stuck in our muck–and for as long as we choose–but when the seed of hope (hope that change is possible) is watered by a sense of curiosity and reassurance that God’s grace is sufficient, we’re poised for a transformation that only the Lord can orchestrate–despite those things which pressure, perplex, and persecute us.

While restoring trust and intimacy with one’s spouse is, for many, the ultimate goal, we know that the more willing a woman is to invest in her own inner work, the more she will become increasingly conscious of a mindset that will greatly influence the success of the direction she takes. 

We pray that the quiet reflections found in practicing greater self-awareness will give you a sense of grounding and quiet control over the things Scripture commands us to guard carefully–our heart and our thoughts. 

 Blessings,
Elise