Healing is hard work. 

HARD WORK. 

Very hard. 

It is not a passive event. It is a purposeful, conscious choice made, sometimes in direct opposition to feelings. 

When healing, one has to CHOOSE to work harder and faster than the rough side of the jagged edges of anger, self-doubt, self-destruction, and denial. While her husband works through his repentance process, a woman needs to prioritize healing over all things except for her relationship with her Savior, that is, if she wants to “get to the other side”. This choice will not come naturally. In fact, the choice to do the healing work will feel difficult because we are fallen in nature, and healing is the Lord’s will for all of his children, either here on Earth or in the world to come. That means the enemy of this world will fight against our will to persevere if we are determined to see our marriage eventually restored, if at all possible.

We want to emphasize the action of CHOICE in the healing journey. It’s easy to think that healing is supposed to just happen “to you” or that one day you’ll just wake up and “feel better”. 

Let me be frank: the road from brokenness to healing might be the most challenging road you have ever traversed. A married couple committed to doing whatever it takes to weather a violent storm in their marriage should be prepared to fight hard and long for the reward on the other side. 

What would a “reward” look like to a husband and wife who have weathered the betrayal storm?

• A stronger commitment and dedication to one another than before the betrayal

• A new appreciation and respect for your spouse as a result of watching each other “do whatever it takes” to restore their relationship

• A renewed love that feels richer and deeper due to discovering new things about marriage that they never thought were possible

• A sense of teamwork, each knowing that they never could have survived this immense storm without the painful sacrifice on each of their parts

These rewards and more are ones that can only be obtained with linking arms, sometimes from a distance, to do the hard stuff despite the weary terrain. 

Prioritizing healing to one woman may look different than another’s, but when working with many women, Elise and I often see emerging patterns. One or more of these might resonate with a woman who has experienced betrayal in her marriage:

• She might be tempted to hate him when thoughts and feelings tell her to do so

• She might be tempted to listen to the enemy say “Your marriage is over”, even if there is genuine repentance

• She might be tempted to think it was all her fault

• She might be tempted to believe she is morally superior to him

• She might be tempted to picture him over and over with his affair partner

• She might be tempted to allow the very temporary satisfaction of holding this over his head

• She might be tempted to blame God

• She might be tempted to allow her pain to be wasted

A woman who experiences betrayal experiences immense trauma, no matter what form of betrayal it may be. Let’s put it this way: expecting a loved one to leave a hospital where they have just had open heart surgery and not accept the time it takes their massive wound to heal would be unkind in the least, and most certainly unreasonable if one were to apply logical thinking to the situation. 

A broken heart is the same! 

Experts agree that typically the mending of a marriage that yields a stronger and more trusting bond than before the infidelity is discovered,  takes anywhere from 2-5 years, on average. 

This information needn’t be intimidating. Instead, it can help a woman be gentle to herself as she moves along the journey toward wellness. A woman who has discovered betrayal in her marriage will need to be intentional in taking the time she needs to heal thoroughly. This way, she will emerge stronger and more confident than she had ever been, and it will be the most worthwhile feat she has ever chosen to take on.

And thankfully, above all, when a husband and wife both set their eyes on Christ, and humble themselves to the point of seeking Him above all else, are the ones who are most likely to be victorious in building a new beautiful marriage to the point where they tell others how to be strong. 

Isaiah 40:29  reminds us that:

He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.

May all power and strength be poured over you today, sister. Elise and I are here, standing next to you until you are able to stand on your own. That will be a beautiful day, won’t it?

With Love and Understanding,
Jennifer