It can be empowering to recognize the fact that whether it is my perception or my husband's perception...EACH ONE is equally important. For example, if my husband perceives me as angry or short-tempered with him (whether or not I agree with him), it would be beneficial for me to do something about my behavior that sends out a message that he reads as "angry" if I want to remove hurdles in intimacy. 

It is amazing how this small shift in thinking can significantly impact intimate relationships. 

Ultimately, fair or not, it doesn't matter if I think I am being nice, warm, gentle, etc. What matters is if the ones I love “read” my behavior how I intend it to come across. So many arguments, assumptions, and anger come from the seeds planted within the space between what is said or done, and how the receiver reads these actions.

I certainly have plenty of examples of where this awareness would have come in handy. Early in our marriage, my husband played a sport professionally. I certainly didn’t know much about the rhythms of an athlete’s routine, especially on game day, since cheerleading was the only “sport” I participated in before meeting my husband. (Yes, I will stand my ground that cheerleading is a sport). Without fail, I always seemed to interpret his game-day focus and concentration to mean something negative about me. I was immature in my thinking - often concluding that his intense mood or quietness was intended to wound me. Wow, how prideful on my part! Sadly, often these days were filled with strife or secret bitterness on my part only because I unconsciously chose to believe the worst. Reflecting on those moments has allowed me to see two things I might have done differently: 

• Asking the question about what was going on in my husband’s mind in order to know why he was acting as he was 

• Consciously not trying to push my agenda on him regarding how I preferred him to act regardless of circumstances. 

If I were to remember that perception matters, I might have realized that his focused behavior was required for his upcoming game, and never made it about myself. He in turn, could remind me, if needed, that the way he prepared for games were necessary and beneficial.

Now let’s translate this tool to any relationship. Here is how it works:

If you feel your spouse is not being loving towards you or feel that he is frustrated with your presence, then for the sake of the relationship, it would be best if your spouse evaluates what he is doing that is sending you that message. Likewise, suppose your spouse thinks you are being unforgiving and judgmental when you communicate with him, yet you do not feel that way. In that case, what might be possible were you to evaluate what you are doing or saying that sends him that message? What actions might you take to correct this?

Ultimately, we will not improve our relationships if we "stand our ground" and say, "well, you're wrong (your perception doesn’t matter) because I don't feel the way you perceive."

If we accept that we don't have to agree with our spouse's perception of our attitude or action, but rather care enough to change our behavior to ensure we are not "read" wrong, it becomes easier to change our negatively perceived behavior for the sake and harmony of our relationship. It all comes down to setting our pride aside or giving up our right to be correct and loving our mate in the 1 Peter kind of way:

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.  1 Peter 1:22

If you perceive your spouse may be harboring unspoken feelings towards you, we encourage you to get curious enough to ask about it instead of going along with assumptions. 

It matters. 

Your spouse’s intention, and words or actions, could be completely opposite of what they meant to express without them even knowing it. If you say, “when you bang down your cup or sigh heavily, my senses read that as you are frustrated with me, am I reading you correctly?” If they confirm, then at least you are both on the same page, and you now need to go to the act of prayer or accountability!

With practice, this skill of confirming perception can clarify communication and prevent catabolic emotions from building to the point where they have the potential to do damage. During my husband and I’s journey to healing, this one little skill became one of the most impactful ways we communicated our way to progress! 

With Love and Understanding,
Jennifer