Like many wives, Anita was so focused on John that she totally neglected herself. She spent all of her energy either trying to win his affection or punish him for his behavior. Before she could start to take care of herself, she needed to believe a very important fact: Her husband’s behavior was not her fault. 

[…] 

Many wives go to great lengths to change themselves in hopes of regaining their husband’s fidelity. They may alter their physical appearance, their spending habits, their domestic skills, or their performance in bed. Anita tried everything she could think of, but nothing worked. She didn’t realize that her thinking was based on the myth that she could change herself enough to restore her husband’s faithfulness to her till death parted them.  

You could be an absolutely terrible wife, and your husband could still decide to keep his marital vows. On the other hand, you could be Wonder Woman, and he might still betray you. His choices are his responsibility. 

Your responsibility is to be the woman God created you to be. And you need to realize that God didn’t create you to take care of your husband and everyone else but neglect yourself to the destruction of your own well-being. You are the daughter of the Kind, the beloved of your Father, the redeemed of the Lord.

You won’t feel any of those truths if you’re stumbling along regretting or being preoccupied with your passive or aggressive reactions. 

-Aftershock, by Joann Condie

Often, it’s our feelings that run the show. 

When we’re depressed, we can’t get moving.
When we’re disappointed, we slow down or stop.
When we’re aggravated, we may lash out. 

We can acknowledge that these feelings are all a normal part of our human experience, and at the same time recognize that we don’t usually enjoy feeling stuck, let down, or out of control, nor want to spend any more time this way than we have to.

Relationships–particularly intimate ones– are one area where most of us experience significant ups and downs. The women we work with who have experienced intimate betrayal–either by their current spouse or in an earlier relationship–share that these feelings of doubt, distrust, or uncertainty carry a palpable sensation of heaviness. When something has happened “to us”, something out of our control such as the discovery of an affair or hidden pornography use, we feel it in our body, spirit, and attitude.

It’s understandable that everything in life feels like an uphill battle when we’re working against situations, relational dynamics, and circumstances that are blocking our energy. We can feel metaphorically backed into a corner, fists clenched, and ready for a fight. Or, we may be fearful, confused, or unable to see a path forward. And unless we find a way to release this energy, we may one day realize that we’ve lived this way year after year after year. 

The good news is that just by noticing and identifying these feelings, you’ve already started on the path to taking your power back–even if you’re not entirely sure what will come next. Keep reading for some practical tools you can use to observe, examine, and discern which thoughts are helping you, and which ones are keeping you stuck in the spin cycle.

What isThought Hygiene?

Every emotion we have first started as a thought. Master coach Brooke Castillo defines a thought as: “A sentence inside of our head.” 

Our thoughts generate our feelings. 

And while the emotions we feel take center stage and may even feel overwhelming and obvious, the specific sentence inside of our brain that generated that feeling often escapes our awareness. 

It might be tempting to assume that we cannot help our feelings. After all, feeling sad, angry, and resentful are all perfectly understandable responses to betrayal. They are not, however, the only responses. 

To illustrate this, let’s use a less emotionally changed example. 

I once heard about a wealthy woman who earned her fortune as an author. She decided to invest her millions with someone who convinced her that her money would not only be safe, but would grow as a result of his firm’s astounding success managing investments. For years, she felt a sense of accomplishment in her earnings and security in her wealth, only to learn one day that the investor had defrauded her and the money was actually gone. 

She went from secure and confident in one moment, to demoralized and panicked in the next.

Now, the money had been gone long before she knew about it. So what changed?

What changed was the sentence in her brain about her money and investments. 

Practicing good thought hygiene can be described as being aware of the thoughts that emerge in our mind and the feelings that come as a result of them. 

From there, we can examine those thoughts and ask ourselves, “How true is this thought?”

We have the power to accept or reject any thought. Noticing a thought doesn’t mean we have to accept it as truth. 

Below, I’m sharing a practical tool to help practice good thought hygiene. Some even call this “self-coaching”.  While she didn’t invent these concepts, the model I’m sharing with permission has been formatted by Brooke Castillo.  C-T-F-A-R is an acronym to help one untangle the facts of their circumstances from the feelings and results that come from their thoughts.

C: Circumstances (these are occurrences that are out of our control, are neutral–neither good nor bad–they just “are”)
Our circumstances can trigger our thoughts

T: Thoughts (a sentence inside your brain)
Thoughts causes our feelings

F: Feelings (emotion)
Feelings cause our actions

A: Actions (the things you do or don’t do)
The actions we take determine our results

R: Results (what happened)
The results we get prove our thought to be “true”

Let’s do another example using the woman who was defrauded by the bogus investor. If we were to use this model on her thought about her money before she learned of the crime, it might look something like:

Let’s now look at how a different thought about the same circumstance can change the trajectory.

Please don’t let the simplicity of this tool fool you. Using this model on your own thoughts is a powerful way to examine what’s going on behind the closed doors of your consciousness. 

Let’s walk through a model using an issue related to intimate betrayal. The following is how Bonnie diagrammed her thought after learning that her husband, who we will call “Ray” had secretly been using pornography for years. We'll call this the "before model" because this was the reactive, unintentional thought she initially identified. 

Remember, there is nothing  “wrong” with this model. We are simply examining what thoughts and feelings are present given the circumstance. As her coach, I am not insinuating that Bonnie should feel any differently than she does. However, because Bonnie’s current RESULT is not what SHE wants, she tried on a few other thoughts to explore what other feelings/results may be available to her.  

In this case, both Bonnie and Ray are professing Christians who agree that pornography use does not have a place inside of their marriage covenant. Ray admitted to feeling relieved that Bonnie finally found out about his hidden behavior, has sought her forgiveness, is receiving individualized help on his own, and wants to restore her trust. Below is one of Bonnie’s alternative, on-purpose models. 

As we’ve already discussed, a husband’s decisions are his own to make. We cannot control what he chooses to do. Bonnie had many more models, as every individual thought produces its own feeling. 

Just like you might notice a garment in a department store, and decide to try it on, you can do this with thoughts, as well. You may not like how a particular thought makes you feel, and it might take some time to explore whether or not a new thought actually feels believable to you. 

Be patient with yourself as you utilize this tool. Think of it as a magnifying glass, not an answer key. Whenever I explain this tool to my clients, there are a few tips I like to be sure to give for clearest results: 

• Thoughts come in and out of our awareness like clouds in the sky. They come and go.
  If you find yourself beginning to dwell on a thought that is contrary to God’s Word, use this as an opportunity to confess it to the Lord and ask Him what He would have you do with that thought. 
  (II Corinthians 10:5)
  

• Thoughts can also be like birds. We may choose to catch one, examine it, and either accept it as true, or release it.

• Your “circumstance” line is something that is out of your control, and affecting your energy. You may leave this line blank if you have already identified a thought to examine. 

“A prudent man gives thought to his ways.”

Psalm 14:15

Remaining ignorant of one’s thoughts and the effects they have on their life will result in that person living in a constant state of flux–it’s difficult to exercise self-control and thereby regain our footing without being willing to examine what’s going on in ourselves. We pray that this tool is a blessing to you. Should you decide to use it, let us know what your experience was like in testing it out by emailing us at info@ashesredeemed.com–we’d love to hear from you. 

Blessings, 
Elise Park