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The #1 Lie About Men That Most Christian Marriage Books Get Wrong
Like countless other women whose husband struggled at one time with hidden pornography use, I sought out help from the best-selling Bible-based books on marriage to help me navigate this new discovery.
Little did I know, not all Christian self-help books are created equal. Although I didn’t pick up on it right away, what I have come to see is that lots of popular titles on the topic of purity and marriage promote unhealthy ways of thinking about men, lust, and women, all of which lead to more confusion and heartache for both the husband and wife.
Some of these books sadly mislead their readers to believe that men are powerless to withstand sexual temptation, that intimate safety in marriage is only possible when a woman’s husband is sequestered from all women, and that it is impossible for men to look at a woman and not lust after her.
I believe that it is with the best intentions that these authors address men and women in their pursuit of purity in marriage. I also believe it is unfortunate that so many women–like myself–have had to re-learn healthier ways of looking at marriage, masculinity, and my faith to avoid the common pitfalls this bad advice has created.
While it’s easy for us to condemn men and husbands for bad decisions they’ve made and the hurt their betrayal has caused in their marriage, I’d like to take a moment to challenge where some of our Christian cultural beliefs about men come from, and how they actually set up our marriages to fail.
The#1 Lie About Men: He’s just wired that way
My clients hear me talk a lot about limiting beliefs, and the belief that “He’s just wired that way” is one I really like to challenge.
Growing up in the Christian church since childhood and having survived the insidious effects of 90’s “purity culture,” I can tell you first hand that I heard this phrase ad nauseam to describe men and their insatiable lust for all things feminine.
Although I praise God that I am fortunate to never have been mistreated by a man in my life, this message caused me to believe the worst about men. It made me believe that given the chance, men would harm me, harass me, and hurt me, and worst of all, that they couldn’t even help it.
The acceptance of the belief that men are wired that way also showed me unconsciously that sin–especially sexual sin–is more powerful than Christ’s redemptive work in the lives of my spiritual brothers.
After all, if someone is “just wired that way” then what hope do they have of changing?
Many Christian books on marriage and purity carry forward this limiting belief about men and portray them in the worst possible light–weak, powerless, and incapable, despite his born-again status as a new creation in Christ.
Books like Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, a wildly popular book for men among Christian circles says:
“Maybe it’s true that when you and a woman reach a door simultaneously, you wait to let her go first, but not out of honor. You want to follow her up the stairs and look her over. Maybe you’ve driven your rental car to the parking lot of a local gym between appointments, watching scantily clad women bouncing in and out, fantasizing and lusting–even masturbating–in the car.”
And this is just one excerpt. According to author Sheila Wray Gregoire, women aren’t really helped much by the belief that lust is a “universal, constant battle for men.” Her research* shows that:
“…girls are told [that all men lust] in high school. If a girl met her man at college, he never stood a chance! She had been taught that no man is able to be faithful in his thought life before she even met the man she would marry.”
In The Act of Marriage, by Tim & Beverly LaHaye, the authors state that:
“Women must cultivate the problem of visual lust, whereas men almost universally must cope with the problem just because they are men.”
From “Through A Man’s Eyes”
“We find another reason for the prevalence of sexual sin among men. We got there naturally–simply by being male.”
The mistake I see here is that these titles conflate simply “seeing” a woman with “lusting” after a woman and espouse a doctrine that assumes men cannot help but lust.
What a disempowering message to send–not only to our husbands, but to us, their wives!
The authors of books about lust, marriage, and purity state that they write them to help wives understand the struggles men go through, but research shows that reading these books doesn’t help marriages or women’s sex lives; it actually harms them.
Women who buy-into the notion that “all men lust” (and therefore cannot reasonably be expected to exercise self-control) are 79% more likely to have sex out of obligation.*
One woman after reading: Every Man’s Battle is quoted saying, “Men seem like untrustworthy pigs whose minds and thoughts just go wherever they want. Is nothing sacred to them? As women do we trust men after reading this?”
Women also admitted to feeling as though they’d never be able to trust their husband again after reading Through A Man’s Eyes. What a sad place to begin. Men aren’t immune to the dangers of this message, either. One man named Erik shared on a Twitter thread about his experience with the book Every Man’s Battle, sharing:
“I can’t say loud enough how much this book specifically made me believe that I was going to grow up to be a monster. Like it was fate, rooted in my biology. Because even at their best, these authors still think men are muzzled monsters. It took a long time to see the lie.”
Ironically, this disempowering and wrong way of thinking only perpetuates the objectification of women, and inadvertently paves the way for pornography use.
While we can acknowledge that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), and that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9-10), I can’t help but wonder what kind of transformation we as the body of Christ might realize if we esteemed the sanctifying work God is performing in our men more. Why would Paul exhort believers to take control over their temptation for sexual sin if it just wasn’t possible for them to have victory (1Thessalonians 4:3)?
We know that lust is at the root of so much sin in everybody, not just men (1 John 2:16).
We know that walking by the Spirit is the remedy for not fulfilling the lust of the flesh (Gal 5:16).
We know that it is right and good for the Believer to identify areas where lust is creeping in and gaining a foothold in one’s life so that they can confess this sin, and realign with the Lord, and others when appropriate. (James 5:16)
We also know that some men struggle with lust more than others. There are men–maybe men you know personally, who face significant temptation in the area of sexual sin. While outlining help for these men is beyond the scope of this article, the point I am hoping to convey is that accepting the belief that “they can’t help it” because they are “wired that way” isn’t actually helping them to overcome this sin, or to strengthen our marriages.
Most of our readers know that Ashes Redeemed exists to help women heal the scar tissue that has grown over old wounds of betrayal, so you might be wondering how this perspective can help the woman whose husband did choose a life of secret pornography use, or who did choose to seek emotional or sexual fulfillment outside of his marriage.
Awareness.
Are you perhaps living with conflicting beliefs? Are you struggling to reconcile a belief that, “men are just wired that way” with the good and Godly expectation that a husband ought to honor his marriage vows?
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Cor 5:17
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
Gal 5:16-17
God desires that His people live in accountability for their decisions. While a wife cannot ultimately control the choices her husband makes, she is called by the Lord to be an instrument of accountability when it comes to the sanctity of the marriage covenant made before God. Holding a husband accountable for his sexual sin, while sometimes uncomfortable, is a loving act that identifies areas where her husband is invited to repent, rather than excusing his sin because of his "wired sin nature" or fear of retaliation.
Where might we as women, wives, and fellow believers encourage our brothers in the Lord to pursue right thinking, character, and true masculinity (instead of disempowering their transformation into the likeness of Christ by reducing them to impulsive, immature boys)?
Below are a few ideas on how we might do this:
Pray victory over the men in our lives, particularly in the area of sexual purity (Romans 8:37)
Don’t turn a blind eye or pretend that pornography doesn’t exist. Educating yourself on facts and statistics about the pornography industry and its effect on our culture is one way you can equip yourself to have sobering conversations with your partner. Fight The New Drug is a non-religious organization and a wonderful resource for providing science-backed evidence and articles on this topic.
If you are a mother of young(er) children, educate them appropriately about what to do when (not IF) they encounter pornography. The book, Good Pictures, Bad Pictures is a great place to start. There is a version for older kids, as well as a junior version for younger ones.
I’m praying for every reader here, that the Lord would unfold each woman’s unique path to healing through the wisdom and knowledge of God’s intention for her as a wife and sister in Christ, as she seeks His will in her life.
Blessings,
Elise
*Book: The Great Sex Rescue, by Sheila Wray Gregoire
The Ashes Redeemed Blog
The #1 Lie About Men That Most Christian Marriage Books Get Wrong
Like countless other women whose husband struggled at one time with hidden pornography use, I sought out help from the best-selling Bible-based books on marriage to help me navigate this new discovery.
Little did I know, not all Christian self-help books are created equal. Although I didn’t pick up on it right away, what I have come to see is that lots of popular titles on the topic of purity and marriage promote unhealthy ways of thinking about men, lust, and women, all of which lead to more confusion and heartache for both the husband and wife.
Some of these books sadly mislead their readers to believe that men are powerless to withstand sexual temptation, that intimate safety in marriage is only possible when a woman’s husband is sequestered from all women, and that it is impossible for men to look at a woman and not lust after her.
I believe that it is with the best intentions that these authors address men and women in their pursuit of purity in marriage. I also believe it is unfortunate that so many women–like myself–have had to re-learn healthier ways of looking at marriage, masculinity, and my faith to avoid the common pitfalls this bad advice has created.
While it’s easy for us to condemn men and husbands for bad decisions they’ve made and the hurt their betrayal has caused in their marriage, I’d like to take a moment to challenge where some of our Christian cultural beliefs about men come from, and how they actually set up our marriages to fail.
The#1 Lie About Men: He’s just wired that way
My clients hear me talk a lot about limiting beliefs, and the belief that “He’s just wired that way” is one I really like to challenge.
Growing up in the Christian church since childhood and having survived the insidious effects of 90’s “purity culture,” I can tell you first hand that I heard this phrase ad nauseam to describe men and their insatiable lust for all things feminine.
Although I praise God that I am fortunate to never have been mistreated by a man in my life, this message caused me to believe the worst about men. It made me believe that given the chance, men would harm me, harass me, and hurt me, and worst of all, that they couldn’t even help it.
The acceptance of the belief that men are wired that way also showed me unconsciously that sin–especially sexual sin–is more powerful than Christ’s redemptive work in the lives of my spiritual brothers.
After all, if someone is “just wired that way” then what hope do they have of changing?
Many Christian books on marriage and purity carry forward this limiting belief about men and portray them in the worst possible light–weak, powerless, and incapable, despite his born-again status as a new creation in Christ.
Books like Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn, a wildly popular book for men among Christian circles says:
“Maybe it’s true that when you and a woman reach a door simultaneously, you wait to let her go first, but not out of honor. You want to follow her up the stairs and look her over. Maybe you’ve driven your rental car to the parking lot of a local gym between appointments, watching scantily clad women bouncing in and out, fantasizing and lusting–even masturbating–in the car.”
And this is just one excerpt. According to author Sheila Wray Gregoire, women aren’t really helped much by the belief that lust is a “universal, constant battle for men.” Her research* shows that:
“…girls are told [that all men lust] in high school. If a girl met her man at college, he never stood a chance! She had been taught that no man is able to be faithful in his thought life before she even met the man she would marry.”
In The Act of Marriage, by Tim & Beverly LaHaye, the authors state that:
“Women must cultivate the problem of visual lust, whereas men almost universally must cope with the problem just because they are men.”
From “Through A Man’s Eyes”
“We find another reason for the prevalence of sexual sin among men. We got there naturally–simply by being male.”
The mistake I see here is that these titles conflate simply “seeing” a woman with “lusting” after a woman and espouse a doctrine that assumes men cannot help but lust.
What a disempowering message to send–not only to our husbands, but to us, their wives!
The authors of books about lust, marriage, and purity state that they write them to help wives understand the struggles men go through, but research shows that reading these books doesn’t help marriages or women’s sex lives; it actually harms them.
Women who buy-into the notion that “all men lust” (and therefore cannot reasonably be expected to exercise self-control) are 79% more likely to have sex out of obligation.*
One woman after reading: Every Man’s Battle is quoted saying, “Men seem like untrustworthy pigs whose minds and thoughts just go wherever they want. Is nothing sacred to them? As women do we trust men after reading this?”
Women also admitted to feeling as though they’d never be able to trust their husband again after reading Through A Man’s Eyes. What a sad place to begin. Men aren’t immune to the dangers of this message, either. One man named Erik shared on a Twitter thread about his experience with the book Every Man’s Battle, sharing:
“I can’t say loud enough how much this book specifically made me believe that I was going to grow up to be a monster. Like it was fate, rooted in my biology. Because even at their best, these authors still think men are muzzled monsters. It took a long time to see the lie.”
Ironically, this disempowering and wrong way of thinking only perpetuates the objectification of women, and inadvertently paves the way for pornography use.
While we can acknowledge that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23), and that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked (Jeremiah 17:9-10), I can’t help but wonder what kind of transformation we as the body of Christ might realize if we esteemed the sanctifying work God is performing in our men more. Why would Paul exhort believers to take control over their temptation for sexual sin if it just wasn’t possible for them to have victory (1Thessalonians 4:3)?
We know that lust is at the root of so much sin in everybody, not just men (1 John 2:16).
We know that walking by the Spirit is the remedy for not fulfilling the lust of the flesh (Gal 5:16).
We know that it is right and good for the Believer to identify areas where lust is creeping in and gaining a foothold in one’s life so that they can confess this sin, and realign with the Lord, and others when appropriate. (James 5:16)
We also know that some men struggle with lust more than others. There are men–maybe men you know personally, who face significant temptation in the area of sexual sin. While outlining help for these men is beyond the scope of this article, the point I am hoping to convey is that accepting the belief that “they can’t help it” because they are “wired that way” isn’t actually helping them to overcome this sin, or to strengthen our marriages.
Most of our readers know that Ashes Redeemed exists to help women heal the scar tissue that has grown over old wounds of betrayal, so you might be wondering how this perspective can help the woman whose husband did choose a life of secret pornography use, or who did choose to seek emotional or sexual fulfillment outside of his marriage.
Awareness.
Are you perhaps living with conflicting beliefs? Are you struggling to reconcile a belief that, “men are just wired that way” with the good and Godly expectation that a husband ought to honor his marriage vows?
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
2 Cor 5:17
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.
Gal 5:16-17
God desires that His people live in accountability for their decisions. While a wife cannot ultimately control the choices her husband makes, she is called by the Lord to be an instrument of accountability when it comes to the sanctity of the marriage covenant made before God. Holding a husband accountable for his sexual sin, while sometimes uncomfortable, is a loving act that identifies areas where her husband is invited to repent, rather than excusing his sin because of his "wired sin nature" or fear of retaliation.
Where might we as women, wives, and fellow believers encourage our brothers in the Lord to pursue right thinking, character, and true masculinity (instead of disempowering their transformation into the likeness of Christ by reducing them to impulsive, immature boys)?
Below are a few ideas on how we might do this:
Pray victory over the men in our lives, particularly in the area of sexual purity (Romans 8:37)
Don’t turn a blind eye or pretend that pornography doesn’t exist. Educating yourself on facts and statistics about the pornography industry and its effect on our culture is one way you can equip yourself to have sobering conversations with your partner. Fight The New Drug is a non-religious organization and a wonderful resource for providing science-backed evidence and articles on this topic.
If you are a mother of young(er) children, educate them appropriately about what to do when (not IF) they encounter pornography. The book, Good Pictures, Bad Pictures is a great place to start. There is a version for older kids, as well as a junior version for younger ones.
I’m praying for every reader here, that the Lord would unfold each woman’s unique path to healing through the wisdom and knowledge of God’s intention for her as a wife and sister in Christ, as she seeks His will in her life.
Blessings,
Elise
*Book: The Great Sex Rescue, by Sheila Wray Gregoire
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The Healing Accelerator Framework
Feel better right now by using our One Page Healing Accelerator Framework to get immediate relief from the pain, confusion, and fear of regret that comes from discovering betrayal in your marriage, by understanding betrayal's impact the way you see your future.
In this micro training, you'll experience just one small piece of our From Betrayal to Breakthrough program-the clearest & most predictable system for any Christian woman who is serious abut finding the clarity she needs to make a decision on what to do next...
Meet Our Facilitators
Hi there!
Expert in Chiropractise Treatment
We're Elise Park & Jennifer Kwiatkowski. As Christian women who have both overcome issues of betrayal in our own marriages, we know what it's like to face certain challenges that are unique to Believers when it comes to post-betrayal decisions.
As Certified Professional Coaches, we have supported women in their wellbeing endeavors for many years, but our passion for equipping Christian women to live authentically in their faith, while becoming the strongest, most resilient & radiant version of themselves has only grown--especially as we see the devastating effects that our hyper-sexualized culture has on the family unit.
We are blessed to see God work powerfully in the lives and marriages of our clients and are honored to be a part of their healing journeys.
Blessings to you,
Elise & Jennifer
What is From Betrayal to Breakthrough?
The From Betrayal to Breakthrough program is a powerful system for helping Christian women find the clarity they need about their marriage in just 90 days without the obstacles of indecision, self-doubt, or fear of regret--so they can finally feel good about moving forward from the discovery of betrayal in the marriage.
So if you want a crystal clear and predictable roadmap to help you figure out if you want to:
A) confidently stay with your husband and work to restore your marriage, or
B) be at peace with moving on from the relationship,
...then you've found it.
How does it work?
Making a long-term decision about your marriage after betrayal isn't easy. There are three ingredients that every woman in this situation must have in place in order to reach a decision that she feels alined with:
Commitment
Being committed to your own spiritual, emotional, and mental wellbeing is an essential first step in getting the clarity you need to move forward. No one can make this commitment for you--it must come from a deep desire to break free of the pain, confusion, and fear that will otherwise keep you stuck in resentment and anger for the rest of your life.
Just like airline attendants tell the passengers, "In case of emergency, put your own oxygen masks first!" this is essentially what we do in our program--we help you put your own "oxygen mask" on first, so that you can make a decision you feel good about, as the strongest version of yourself.
Support
Countless women have shared their betrayal stories with us and almost all of them have remarked how lonely they've felt while dealing with the pain, despite being active in their church community. It's clear to that the support they've gotten has been either not enough, or the wrong kind. Most often this looks like:
-Help for the man (but not for her)
-"Just" advice: "Just hurry up and forgive him..." or "Just leave already..."
Neither of these truly support the healing and wellbeing for the betrayed wife in her decision on how to handle her next steps.
Remember being told to "Stop, drop, and roll!" in case your clothes ever caught fire?
Other people think they're being supportive by shouting from the sidelines what you should do, but that doesn't work for this kind of situation.
Instead of a drill sergeant, you need support that is sensitive, constructive, and methodical; you need compassionate guides and a roadmap to gently lead you through the phases of what's been and help you create what will be.
Benefiting from this kind of support doesn't have to take a long time, but it must be done with care and intention. (Not screamed at you from the sidelines.)
Discernment
The final ingredient needed to achieve the clarity you're looking for is discernment. We know you have a lot of mental and emotional "noise" right now. In addition to all the external factors (like time, money, friends, and family) you also have internal factors influencing the way you respond to your situation, not to mention the spiritual warfare you're contenting with also.
Being able to distinguish truth from lies is essential for moving forward in your decision, so that you're not living in anger, resentment, or regret for the rest of your life.
How is this different from counseling or therapy?
Counseling, therapy, and coaching are all valid, but different modalities for helping a person make productive changes to their life. Coaching as a form of support has its roots in the world of sports and performance, not mental health. In short, coaching helps you create. Many clients benefit from working with a counselor or therapist while also working with a coach. Coaching is not intended to be crisis management. Ashes Redeemed coaches are Certified Professional Coaches, not licensed counselors or therapists.
For more on how coaching works, read What Is Coaching?
How do I know if this will work for me?
With over a decade of combined experience in supporting women in their wellbeing and marriage difficulties, we have honed our systems down to an exact science.
The best way for both of us to gain 100% confidence that this is the absolute best way for you to approach your post-betrayal decisions is to jump on a short call so we can get clear on the exact steps you should be taking based on your specific background and situation.
Book a call {HERE}.
WHAT OUR CLIENTS SAY
I have a new sense of confidence that I don't think I've really ever had...
Christina M.
Breakthrough client
I value myself enough now in my life for the first time in 42 years that I'm going to say enough is enough.
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Breakthrough client
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